raffertyesque

I have long maintained that I should not have a driver’s license. I am not a good driver. I have a lead foot. I often change lanes in intersections. I was texting while driving before it was not cool. I once ran over a guy just to watch him bleed.

What’s the statute of limitations on running over a guy?

There isn’t one?

Innnnteresting.

Moving on.

Point is, I should not have my driver’s license. Here’s the thing though, neither should a lot of other people. Most other people, in fact. Generally speaking, people are terrible drivers. They drive like me only they don’t realize they drive like me. This doesn’t make them better or worse than me, but it does make them more dangerous. Minus the intentionally running over guys part.

Per usual*, Germany has the right idea. (*”Per usual” only valid post-1945.) In Germany, a driver’s license costs thousands of Euros and requires dozens of hours of test taking and professional instruction. As a result, Germans are extremely good drivers, they don’t talk or text while driving or eat or drink or tell jokes. (Germans don’t tell jokes ever, though.)

If getting a driver’s license was more difficult here, we’d all be better off. There would be fewer cars on the road, fewer car accidents, and better public transit. Sure, we’d be consuming less gasoline and become less dependent on foreign oil but— wait, that’s a good thing too.

Uh, the car washing industry would take a hit? I’m really having a hard time coming up with downsides here.

But let’s be honest, we’re not about to take another country’s good idea and use it here. That’s not how we operate. This is America, dammit. Besides, we’re all entitled here. On your 16th birthday, it’s your god-given right to get your license. Because why shouldn’t a 16 year-old get behind four wheels sitting on top of a ton of steel and take it barreling down an interstate at 70 miles per hour? What could possibly go wrong? They’ll learn physics in science class next year, assuming they live that long.

So in lieu of the German model, I’d like to make a different proposal. Indeed, in part 31 of my on-going series “If Pat Ran Things” I am proposing “More Types of Driver’s Licenses.”

Right now the DMV issues a few types of licenses. Most of us have the standard “D” type. Motorcyclists have a class “M” license. Truck drivers, a class “A” license. You get the idea. I am proposing even more licenses, though. Let’s fill up this alphabet.

Ever get stuck behind someone driving too slowly on the interstate? That person should not be allowed to drive on the interstate. They need a class “I” license.

Ever see some idiot spinning their tires hopelessly in the snow? That person should not be allowed to drive in the snow, they’re a danger to everyone. They need a class “S” license.

And so on.

Sure, people will be pissed, but I think we can sneak up on the population at large without them noticing, one license at a time. The easiest one to sneak in is actually the one most relevant to me, and the one that got me thinking about this in the first place: The “New York City” driver’s license.

I’ve compared walking in New York to driving before. It’s an apt analogy. The sidewalks are no different than the streets, they’re full of people moving quickly, and any unpredictable movements throws everything off. If only the NYPD could ticket people for walking too slowly, then we’d really be onto something.

The analogy doesn’t work the other way around, though. Driving in New York is not like walking. It’s also not like driving. Driving in New York City is its own beast.

A few weeks ago I took a Zipcar up to Albany with a friend. She drove us out of Manhattan, and while she was driving, it occurred to me that she was driving the car like a pedestrian walks. She was letting other cars go, slowing down for yellow lights, not running over guys just to watch them bleed.

Even though she was driving “safer” than the typical New York driver, the fact that she was driving differently than everyone else made it less safe.

You run into this a fair amount as a pedestrian. Cars that inexplicably follow the letter of the law rather than the rule of the road. Yeah, everyone knows you’re not supposed to turn right on red, but when you don’t, it throws everyone off, pedestrians and other drivers alike.

(It should be noted that there is a third party at play during all of this: bicyclists. They are insane though— anarchists, essentially— there’s no governing them, they eat their own young. Therefore we are not factoring them into this discussion.)

To get a class “NYC” driver’s license, you’d need to pass the DMV’s NYC test. The test is fairly simple. Primarily, it consists of driving around Manhattan for five hours straight without killing anyone or going insane.

During those five hours, you also need to demonstrate:

• A willingness to stop in the middle of intersections, obstructing traffic.
• That you are not scared of running over pigeons and/or rats.
• The ability to avoid eye contact with pedestrians while blocking their crosswalk.
• A liberal use of the horn, frequently just for the sake of honking.

The final part of the exam is parallel parking. A lot of people think parallel parking shouldn’t be part of the DMV’s normal exam since it’s not very applicable outside of urban environments. Obviously it is applicable here, however the true New Yorker will simply double park and roll down their window to wave other cars around them. Bam. Kobayashi Maru’d.

I maintain that I should not have a driver’s license. I do think I should have a New York City driver’s license, though. Sure, I drive a little dangerously, but in a town of dangerous drivers, that’s just what the DMV ordered.