☞ Zen And The Art Of Castle Maintenance
I’ve don’t want to brag, but I’ve been to a castle or two in my day.
I know, I’m pretty awesome.
Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria was pretty sweet. It’s on the border of Germany and Austria outside of a town called Füssen (which literally means “feet” in German) (whose town crest, from the looks of their Wikipedia page, seems to be a circle of feet, appropriately enough).
Classified as a “Big Ass” castle on the International Castle Grading Scale, Neuschwanstein was built for King Ludwig the Second. AKA “Louie II.” AKA “Louie Louie.” AKA “The Bavarian Librarian.” AKA “Louie Two Boots.” AKA “Ludwig II, Son of Maximillian II, Son of Louis I, Son of Count Palatine Maximilian Joseph of Zweibrücken, No Seriously.” AKA “LL Cool L.” AKA “Looking Fine on the Rhine.” You get the idea.
Ludwig was a touch out there. He had a flair for the dramatic. He was a bit of a queen, even though he was a king. So when his dad died in 1868 and Ludwig inherited a boatload of Deutschmarks, he said: “I want a castle. And a pony.” He said this in English. Because he was crazy.
After the translators figured out what he was talking about, they found him the finest pony in all the land and started work on the castle. It was to be a “temple of friendship” devoted to Richard Wagner, whom Louie clearly had a man crush on. Unfortunately, Wagner died in 1883, before the castle was finished. Likewise, Ludwig himself died under mysterious circumstances in 1886 (I think the pony did it).
I visited Neuschwanstein almost exactly 10 years ago today. (Sweet christ, I’m old.) It’s up on a big mountain. It’s got a great view.
I give it 5 out of 5 crazy castle points.
While 1868 is a while back to you and me, Beckov Castle in Slovakia makes Neuschwanstein look like a newborn. Beckov Castle in Slovakia was built in 1200-something. Seriously. That’s as close as we can get. Some people say 1300-something, but, well, does it really matter? What’s a century here and there?
I stumbled upon Beckov Castle while driving through Slovakia a few years back (which is another story for another time). Beckov has certainly seen better days than Neuschanstein. Most notably because Beckov no longer has a roof. It’s old school like that.
Over the centuries Beckov Castle was used to defend the borders of the Kingdom of Hungary, home to a variety of families and eventually turned into a prison before being consumed by a fire in 1729.
Nowadays Beckov is a tourist attraction. While it doesn’t have the view of Neuschanstein, or a roof, it’s definitely still a decent castle.
I give it 3 out of 4 missing roofs.
While Germany and Slovakia have great castles and all, for the really good castles you’ve gotta go all the way to… New York?
Seriously. There’s more castles than you’d think in New York state. Which is to say, any castles whatsoever.
Now before I go on, let us be clear, castles in the United States are “follies.” “Posers” if you will. A folly is defined as “a building built to look like a building that isn’t really the type of building that it looks like.” Simple, right? Moving on.
Belvedere Castle sits in the middle of Central Park in Manhattan. Which, given Central Park’s centralness, you could argue that puts Belvedere Castle in the center of New York City itself. You know, if you were the type of person to argue about stupid stuff like that.
In 1869, right around the time Louie Twoie’s castle was being built in Bavaria, Belvedere Castle was being built in Mannahatta. Meaning “beautiful view” in Italian, the view from the castle’s observation deck is pretty sweet. It’s one of the highest points in the park, and gives you a better sense of just how goddamn big Central Park is. When Central Park’s architects decided to folly things up a bit, they weren’t messing around.
Two fun facts about Belvedere Castle: 1) When you hear “the temperature in Central Park today is” they’re measuring the temperature at Belvedere Castle. 2) Ah ah ah. Belvedere Castle is where The Count from Sesame Street lives.
I give Belvedere Castle 3 out of 3 follies.
Next up is Bannerman’s Castle. Now I’ve never actually been to Bannerman’s Castle, but I will say it looks pretty awesome.
Commissioned by Francis Bannerman in 1901, you can see the ruins of Bannerman’s Castle located atop Pollepel Island in the middle of the Hudson River whenever you hop on the Amtrak heading south to New York.
Bannerman built the castle to store his munitions. As in, explosives. Bannerman was a military surplus dealer in New York City. New York being New York, though, space was at a premium and Bannerman had a surplus of surplus. So he stored it in “Bannerman’s Island Arsenal” as it was called, until his death in 1918. The castle/arsenal was still under construction when he died, and has been in a state of slow deterioration ever since. Hopefully I’ll see it up close before it’s totally gone.
I give it 7 out of 10 possibly unexploded munitions.
Finally, who can forget Beardslee Castle!
Like any respectable castle, Beardslee Castle was built in the 1860s, by Augustus Beardslee (Augustus!) in Little Falls, New York. Styled after Irish castles of yore (ye olde, even), it remained in the Beardslee family until the 1941 when it was sold and resold for a few decades.
After falling into disrepair (as these castles seem to do) in the 1980s, Beardslee Castle was renovated in the 1990s, and now it’s a restaurant and/or place where they have raves. Seriously. I went to a rave there. It was the strangest rave I’ve ever been to. There was a DJ in the dungeon and a hippie drum circle outside around a bonfire, which, I can tell you if you haven’t been to any raves, is not standard.
I give it 3 out of 6 tabs of ecstasy.
So there you go. Five castles in five minutes.
Did that sound braggy?
It did? That’s fine. I’m pretty awesome.
