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In my on-going commitment to bring to you the latest news from the land of the juggalo, I risked life, limb, and about $27.95 (plus surcharges) this New Year’s Eve to attended…

The First Annual Ninja New Year’s Party, hosted by the Insane Clown Posse!

Yes, indeed, this past weekend, 1,672 juggalos and juggalettes (and one non-juggalo and one non-juggalette) (me and a friend) rang in 2012 in style. And by “in style,” I mean we were surrounded by 1,672 people who dress in clothes purchased/stolen exclusively from Hot Topic and occasionally the merchandise booth at Insane Clown Posse concerts.

Before I continue, a quick primer on Insane Clown Posse and juggalo culture for those of you who are reading this but for some strange reason don’t know about either (not actually strange at all).

The Insane Clown Posse is a “horrorcore” rap duo from Detroit featuring Joseph Bruce and Joseph Utsler, better known by their stage names “Violent J” and “Shaggy 2 Dope.” They got their start in Detroit in 1990 when they were known as the “Inner City Posse” before later becoming the “Insane Clown Posse” which, let’s be honest, is a much catchier name. Insanity sells records. So do clowns, apparently.

Over the next twenty years, ICP built quite an empire. They’ve sold more than six million albums, founded their own professional wrestling league, released two feature length films— direct-to-DVD, to be clear— and their record label, Psychopathic Records (obviously), has 10 other juggalo-friendly groups under it. Including Vanilla Ice. I am not joking.

Speaking of juggalos, uh, juggalos? Yes, juggalos. Like “Deadheads,” “Ledheads,” “Phish phans,” “Rushaholics” and “Claymates” (Clay Aiken fans), ICP has “Juggalos.”

What is a juggalo, though? Well, if the lyrics to the ICP song “What Is A Juggalo?” are to believed, a juggalo “ain’t like anybody that you’ve ever met before / He’ll eat Monopoly and shit out Connect Four.” And if that doesn’t clear things up for you, maybe the next few paragraphs will.

The First Annual Ninja New Year’s Party took place in the “clowntown” of Worchester Massachusetts, at the historic Palladium Theater. I am only assuming the Palladium is historic, because I can’t imagine it was built dilapidated.

Both The Palladium and Worchester itself seemed like the perfect venue for an ICP show. Worchester is a bit down on its luck, as is the Palladium, as are most juggalos. It was a match made in Heaven. Or “Shangri-La,” in quasi-religious juggalo parlance.

I was a bit nervous upon arriving at the Palladium. I felt like Sigourney Weaver in Gorillas in the Mist. I was an anthropologist about to study another culture by embedding myself amongst them. Would they accept me as one of their own? My fellow juggalette and I were wearing our best juggalo disguises (black clothes and big pants for me, black clothes and goth boots for her), but it quickly became clear we weren’t fooling anyone. Our disguises were no match for all the dyed hair, clown face paint, vacant stares, drug rugs, and general disregard for personal hygiene of the actual juggalos.

Despite our clear poser status, though, we were left alone. In fact, apart from a brief moment while the Michael Jackson impersonator was on stage (I’m serious), the juggalos were pretty friendly, or at the very least non-threatening.

The entertainment probably helped to keep questioning juggalo eyes off of us (that and the drugs). The entertainment was a mix of Psychopathic Records acts rapping and Juggalo Championship Wrestling wrestlers wrestling and the aforementioned Michael Jackson impersonator lip syncing to “Thriller” at the stroke of midnight. Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J emceed the whole event, donning their finest face paint, suit jackets, and cargo shorts. Classy.

Intermixed with the wrestling and rapping (and moonwalking), “Sugar Slam” appeared on stage (wrestling ring, really) with a trio of slutty girls dressed as slutty Santas to throw ICP t-shirts into throngs of juggalos below. (Here I should also note that Sugar Slam is also Violent J’s former girlfriend/baby momma. Oh, what a tangled web the Psychopathic Family weaves.)

Finally, after half a dozen acts and just as many wrestling matches, ICP themselves took to the stage wrestling ring to perform a “surprise” set, wrapping up the First Annual Ninja New Year’s. Whoop whoop!

Going into Ninja New Year’s, I considered myself something of a juggalo connoisseur. But there’s only so much you can learn from watching YouTube clips and reading interviews. For example, I would have never guessed juggalos don’t clap. (Insert STD joke about juggalos having the clap here.) Almost universally, anytime clapping would be called for, instead juggalos just give a hearty “Whoop whoop!” Fascinating.

Other Juggalo Fun Facts:

• Juggalos do not cross their legs when they sit down, this goes for juggalos or juggalettes.
• Juggalos rarely take pictures. This was actually quite refreshing, most concerts I go to, people are too busy documenting the event to actually enjoy it.
• Juggalos don’t have iPhones. Probably because that would require signing a contract… and juggalos don’t sign no contracts.
• Juggalos will chant “FA-MI-LY, FA-MI-LY” to diffuse fights and other altercations. I’ve seen videos of this. It’s kind of heartwarming, really. However, now I’ve also seen juggalos chanting “FA-MI-LY FA-MI-LY” when rooting for “Lou Weed” to body slam his opponent during a wrestling match. This has diminished the heartwarmingness of the “FA-MI-LY” chant considerably.

As we exited the Palladium around 2:30am, I remarked at how pleased I was with the way the evening turned out. No one was hurt, I finally saw juggalos in their natural habitat, and lessons were learned. Speaking of…

On the way to the parking lot, we walked past a juggalo repeatedly asking anyone would would listen: “Is anyone going to Ohio?”

Which brings me to one final Fun Fact:

• Juggalos do not plan ahead.