raffertyesque

“I would just like to let the record show that I disassembled and reassembled my television and not only did I not have any pieces left over when I was done, but not once was I electrocuted. It is for that reason that I humbly accept this award, the Noble Prize in Television Repair.”

Right around then, I woke up.

It was all true, though. I really did repair my television. The main circuit board stopped working and needed to be replaced. Weird. Who would have thought that a cheap, used, possibly stolen television that I bought on craigslist would be so unreliable? Anyway, one $40 circuit board and a few dozen screws later, it was good as new. Or, uh, good as used.

It’s also true that I didn’t electrocute myself. This is perhaps the more impressive part of the feat, given my track record of electrocuting myself. (In my defense, it has been a few years since I’ve had to reset the “____ Days Since Last Accidental Electrocution” sign in my apartment.)

Most people think electrocution is an all-or-nothing thing. Probably because at one point it was. “Electrocution” is a portmanteau of “electrical” and “execution.” Catchy. Nowadays though, electrocution can be anything from being sentenced to the electric chair to getting zapped when you touch a doorknob after walking on that shag carpeting that you really need to replace in your basement.

You could even say that using an iPhone or other touch-based gizmo involves electrocution. After all, every time you touch that screen, you’re completing an electrical circuit. Your finger is getting a little bit of juice so the screen knows where you’re touching it. That’s why you can’t just use a stick or pen on the screen. You need to use your finger. Or if you’re Japanese, a hot dog. Or if you’re a serial killer, someone else’s finger. (Those lose conductivity after a while, though, so hurry up.)

Who is the marketing wizard who came up with the word “electrocution” you ask? Our good ol’ boy, Thomas Edison.

Obviously electrocution has existed forever. Guys have been touching eels and standing in open fields during thunderstorms since time immemorial. After figuring out how to harness electricity, it was only a matter of time before we started using it for nefarious purposes, though. You know, like rubbing balloons on our heads to make our hair stick up.

But it wasn’t until Edison got his panties in a bunch in the early 1900s that he came up with electrocution (and yes, dudes wore panties back then) (and man, they rode up something fierce).

You see, in the late 1800s, Edison was involved in a standards war with fellow nerd Nikola Tesla. It was known as “The War Of The Currents!”

Back in 1882, our boy Tommy E had just opened the first power plant in the United States. It was in Manhattan, down on Pearl Street. Across from the Starbucks. His power plant provided DC power— direct current— to a bunch of businesses downtown. This was swell, because all of the businesses were in a concentrated area and they pretty much just needed to light some light bulbs.

Soon, other people wanted light bulbs. Problem was, these people were not downtown. So Edison built other power plants all over the country. The bigger problem was, you pretty much had to be within a mile or two of an Edison power plant to get electricity. And I don’t know about you, but unlike Starbucks, I can’t throw a rock and hit a power plant.

Enter Nikola Tesla. Nicky worked for Edison. They were besties. He came over from Europe in 1884 and started working under Edison, trying to improve Edison’s DC generators. And invent panties which didn’t bunch up as much.

Tesla left the panties to the professionals and focused on the DC generators, and in short time he succeeded.

Generally speaking, Edison made his breakthroughs through trial and error, whereas Tesla was more mathematically inclined. This is reflected in their respective mottos. Edison’s motto being “genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration.” Tesla’s motto— and, incidentally also Scrooge McDuck’s— being “work smarter, not harder.”

Unfortunately for Tesla, Edison also took some tips from Scrooge McDuck, and refused to pay Tesla for his work, so Tesla bailed. Besties no more.

And so began The War Of The Currents. Despite Edison’s improved DC generators, direct current still sucked for transmitting power. So Tesla developed a whole new system, AC power— alternating current. And that’s how the band AC/DC was born, kids.

Tesla’s AC power was better in virtually every way possible. It had longer range, it could better handle different electrical loads, and was cheaper to transmit. Outmatched on all fronts, Edison did what any American capitalist would do: scare people into believing him.

And what better way to scare people than… uh, electrocuting an elephant? Okay, Edison. Weirdo.

So in 1903, Topsy the circus elephant killed some guys over at Luna Park near Coney Island in Brooklyn. (Which you can’t really blame Topsy for doing, Coney Island has been going downhill since the 1850s.) Topsy’s owners wanted to kill her, and Edison wanted to prove that AC power was dangerous. Edison saw an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, and probably an elephant with 6,600 volts while he was at it. So he did. And it was very sad.

Sadder still, it was all for nothing. All the electrocuted circus elephants in the world weren’t going to change the fact that DC power was only good for short range, high power uses. Edison had been bested by his bestie, Tesla.

But hey, at least now we have a word for that thing that you don’t want to happen when you open up your television and decide to plug it back into the wall before you fully reassemble it just to see if the $40 circuit board you bought from some obscure website will actually fix the crappy TV you bought on craigslist, right?

What’s that, there was already a word for that?

Oh, right, Fernsehensterbennichtwillenstromaufmachen. Sounds German.