☞ Meow Meow oh Meow Meow oh Meow oh Gaga.
This past week the House of Representatives and the US Senate were supposed to vote on two separate but similar bills, both with awesome acronyms. The Senate’s was SOPA, short for the “Stop Online Piracy Act” and the House’s was PIPA, short for the PROTECT IP Act, which is short for PROTECT Intellectual Property Act, which is short for Preventing Real Online Threats (to) Economic Creativity (and) Theft (of) Intellectual Property Act.
Clearly the House has a bit of an acronym inferiority complex.
While these acronyms are not as ridiculous as the USA PATRIOT Act or Michele Obama’s proposed EAGLE Act (the Ensuring (that) American (citizens’) Glucose Levels Erode (in a healthy manner) Act), as far as actual bills go, SOPA and PIPA are just as retartar.
Put simply, both SOPA and PIPA would potentially transform the internet from a place where people can express themselves freely, to one where you have to be careful what you say, lest you be potentially silenced and sued by people (corporations) who don’t like what you’re saying. They would allow websites to be shutdown for potential copyright infringements. Obviously a website can be shutdown for copyright infringements, but right now your website is innocent until proven guilty. If passed, these bills would make your website guilty until proven innocent.
Thinking twice about posting that video of your cat meowing to “Bad Romance” on YouTube now, aren’t you?
Fortunately for everyone except a few people (media corporations), voting on SOPA and PIPA has been postponed indefinitely until more money can be given to pay off our elected officials.
So, yay?
But seriously. The official line is that the bills needed to be re-worked so that they can reach a wider consensus within the Senate and the House. The real reason, though, is that these bills pissed off the internet. And pissing off the internet is a bad idea.
Generally speaking, I’m not a very political guy. I vote, but that’s about it. I believe in democracy. Democracy, as we all know, comes from the Greek word “dēmokratía” meaning “you’re screwed no matter who you vote for.”
The theory behind a parliamentary democracy is that you elect some officials to represent you, and then they represent you. That’s the theory, anyway.
Are you ready to have your mind blown, though? Are you sitting down? No? You’re standing? You’re on the subway? Okay, I’ll wait for a seat to free up. You’re going to want to sit down for this.
Get a seat yet? No? Okay. I’ll wait one more stop.
Dude, check out that guy. He’s not looking good. He’s gonna hurl any minute now. Gross. No, don’t sit next to him. That’s a terrible idea. Wait, that lady just got up. Grab her seat! Gogogogo!
Okay, you’re sitting down. Nice.
Right. So in theory, your elected representatives are supposed to represent you. Here’s the thing, though: sometimes they represent other interests instead!
I know. It’s crazy, but it’s true.
Aren’t you glad you sat down?
Now more often than not, when my representatives fuck me democratically I just suck it up. Shit happens. But when PIPA and SOPA started gaining traction, I started getting worried. I like the internet. I like the internet a lot. Big fan. My preciousssss. Et cetera. And my elected idiots were siding with these poorly-written, ill-conceived bills that were going to screw up the internet. Not cool.
So, for the first time ever: Mr. Rafferty Went to Washington.
Or, well, to 49th Street & 3rd Avenue in midtown. To the Senate offices of New York State. Still, same idea.
Oh, and it wasn’t just me, it was me and about 2,000 other people. Still. I am Jimmy Stewart.
I had never exercised my right to protest before. Nothing ever angered me enough. Things are still pretty decent for us white males, I guess. But hey, first time for everything.
The problem though was I didn’t how to protest. What was I supposed to wear? What was I supposed to bring? A protest sign, right? That’s what angry people seem to do. So the night before the protest, I found an old pizza box and my angriest Sharpie marker, and I forged my first protest sign!
China: Internet Blocked
Iran: Internet Censored
USA: ? ? ? ? ?
Hyperbolic? Perhaps. But these are hyperbolic times. (A statement which itself is probably hyperbolic.)
The next morning, me and my fellow internet lovers converged in midtown to tell our Senators that they were doing their job wrong.
When I got there, it was a little pathetic at first. I was hoping it would be a little more chaotic. A portion of the sidewalk was cordoned off, and a little corral of a couple hundred nerds was forming inside. There were no chants, no bullhorns, no rotten tomatoes being tossed. I came out for this? I could be indoors! On the internet!
But within a 10 minutes or so, the crowd had doubled. And then the police dragged the metal fencing out onto 3rd Avenue to accommodate the growing crowd. And it doubled again. And then the police took over another lane of 3rd Ave. And then the crowd grew some more. And then there was chanting, and there were bullhorns. Still no rotten tomatoes, though.
By the end of the protest I felt like we had made a difference. Flyers were handed out. Awareness was elevated. Senators were still being idiots, but they were better informed idiots. Now they were just being spiteful rather than ignorant.
So, yay?
A few days later, both SOPA and PIPA were put on ice by the Senate and the House. They’ll both be back, I’m sure… probably with different names (hence allowing me to reuse my intentionally vague protest sign), but for now the internet is safe.
Point is, I’m not going to say that I saved the internet… but I’m going to imply it.
