raffertyesque

Remember a few years back when every TV channel had a home makeover show? It was ridiculous.

Trading Spaces, While You Were Out, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Trading Spaces: Family, Curb Appeal, Trading Spaces: British Invasion, Clean Sweep, Trading Spaces: European Takeover, Trading Spaces: What The Hell Did You Do To My Bathroom?, Trading Spaces: I Want My Kitchen Back To How It Was Before.

Nickelodeon even got in on it at one point, with “We Rebuilt Your Entire House Out Of Legos.”

Like everything else that’s wrong with the world, we can blame this on PBS.

The whole home makeover genre started on PBS in 1979 with a little show called This Old House. In it, Bob Vila, the perpetually bearded, Craftsman-wielding, non-master carpenter extraordinaire took viewers into fixer-uppers around the country and, uh, fixed them up. Or, well, he told other people to fix them up. You know, actual master carpenters. Some of whom didn’t even have beards.

Eventually This Old House begot “Ask This Old House” which begot other similar shows, which eventually evolved into the “makeover” type show that we have today. Because really, who wants to fix actual problems when you can just cover them up? This is America, dammit.

American sensibilities notwithstanding, house makeovers make for better television than dudes with beards and flannel shirts putting up sheetrock. It’s fun watching strangers root around in other people’s homes, making crucial domestic decisions without consultation, and when it’s all done, see the homeowner’s ( ) surprise, ( ) joy, ( ) anger, ( ) frustration, ( ) shock, ( ) awe, ( ) nausea, ( ) drunken rage (check all that apply).

Contrast this with This Old House, and the most excitement you could hope for was someone shooting Bob with a nailgun. (Which didn’t happen until season six.) (And then three more times in season seven.) (And again in Bob’s farewell episode in season 10.)

(And a few more times during a variety of PBS fund drives over the years.)

(Oh, and that Craftsman commercial blooper reel on YouTube.)

The whole home makeover genre came grinding to a halt in 2008 though, when the housing market took one in the gonads. Most Americans couldn’t afford their homes at that point, let alone making them look nice. But television marches ever forward, and something had to fill the void. The void in the schedule, I mean… the cultural void was always there.

Enter the real estate reality show. Remember all those houses that we made all purdy-like? Let’s sell those sonsofbitches! House Hunters, Million Dollar Listing, Property Virgins, Sell This House, Fix This Kitchen, Flip This House, Flip That House, Flipping Out, Flipping Vegas, Flipping Boston, Selling LA, Selling New York… the list goes on. I didn’t even have to make up any of those shows, they’re all real. Yes, even Property Virgins. That one is about awkward teenage boys buying and selling real estate in suburban Milwaukee and using the profits to buy Magic cards.

All of these shows involve real estate agents preying on the shitty economy, trying to turn a buck. I find this interesting.

I always thought in times of economic turmoil, people look to entertainment for escapism. But apparently we’re masochists. When the economy was good, we wanted escapism. We wanted to see houses made into mansions. Now that the economy sucks though, we want to see the scumbags who profit over everyone else’s loss come out ahead? What is wrong with us?

Point is, I want the good old days back. I want Bob Vila to tell me how to fix up the old house I’ll be buying in North Dakota, because I’ll never be able to afford anything more than that. (Although once HGTV spins off Property Virgins: North Dakota Edition, I won’t even be able to afford that.)

But since Bob “America’s Handyman” Vila is otherwise indisposed, I guess it’s up to me to reignite the do it yourself home improvement flame. To reinvent the genre for a modern era. And by modern, I mean now that most of us are screwgied financially.

Here’s the pitch:

I call it “This Cobjobbed Apartment.” (The inevitable spinoff will be called “That Cobjobbed Apartment” but we’re already getting ahead of ourselves.) The idea is that I try to fix things around my apartment on my own so I don’t have to ask my landlords because the moment they feel like they’re putting more money into the apartment, they’ll want to raise the rent which they haven’t done since I moved in three years ago. Based on actual events. And a novel by Sapphire.

The first episode is about me trying to fix my toilet flusher. The handle broke the other night. Sure, I could ask them to buy a replacement handle and hire a plumber, but that might remind them that this apartment is way undervalued for the neighborhood. “NOT IN THIS ECONOMY!™” (That’s my character’s catchphrase in the show.) (My character is really obnoxious.)

So for the next half hour, we look around my apartment for things to use to repair the toilet flusher. I consult with a variety of experts, ranging from my downstairs neighbor, to the mailman, to the delivery guy. Just kidding, nobody can afford delivery. “NOT IN THIS ECONOMY!™” (God, I hate myself.)

After several failed attempts with twist ties and duct tape, I wind up cobbing together something with a rubber band and a paperclip and the toilet flushes once more. Toilet fixed, and the landlords are none the wiser! “ECONO-MIGHTY!™” (Secondary catchphrases still subject to change.)

At the end of the episode, we tease next week’s project: figuring out what the deal is with that weird lumpy bit that’s on the ceiling in the living room. Richard Dean Anderson guest stars.

So that’s the pitch. This Cobjobbed Apartment. I think it’s what America needs, to balance out the dearth of quality home improvement television programming on the air right now.

Well, what do you think, PBS?

What’s that, This Old House is still on the air? Seriously?

ECONOOOOOOO!™