raffertyesque

I lost my wallet a couple weeks ago. The Port Authority bus terminal was involved, which almost goes without saying. It is the original hive of scum and villainy… first mentioned in Revelations, if my years of Bible Schooling taught me anything.

Wallet lost, I spent a few hours singing and dancing on the sidewalk in order to scrape together enough coin for subway fare back to my apartment. Sure, the Port Authority men’s room pays better, but I have my standards.

After canceling all of my credit cards, I did some post-game analysis of my wallet’s last known contents to figure out exactly what I was missing. The heavy hitters were: $204 in cash, my Metrocard, my bank and credit cards, my driver’s license, my library card, my RFID to the Woolworth Building, a $10 Best Buy gift card, my Chop’t Salad Frequent “Chopper” card, and my one-time use Google two-factor authentication codes to launch the nuclear missiles (also known as checking my email).

So a wad of cash and a bunch of cards, basically. Fortunately I had just finished off my Jamba Juice gift card the day before. So that was a small win.

Nothing irreplaceable was lost, though, right? Well, almost.

Of all the things, what do you think I was most upset about? I think most people would say the driver’s license, because that involves a trip to the DMV, and no one wants that. They’d rather visit the men’s room at the Port Authority.

But no, the thing I was most upset losing was my Chop’t Salad Frequent “Chopper” card.

I am not kidding.

Yeah, losing the cash sucks, and the credit cards are a hassle, but all of that is replaceable. My Chop’t card had 10 stamps on it, though. My next salad was going to be free! It was going to be delicious. Because it was going to be free! I was going to get avocado! Because it was going to be free!

Goddammit. Now I have to start over.

In nerd parlance, this sense of loss would be attributed to the “gamification” of society.

“Gamification” is the use of game design principles in the real world. The Chop’t salad card (and any other sort of “rewards” card) is a perfect example of gamification. Buy 10 salads, get one free. The little stamps on the card are points on a progress meter. And everyone loves progress meters.

Deep within the recesses of our reptile brains, we like accruing points. Especially if they’re visually represented on a meter. Oh yeah. That’s the good stuff. Yeah, you move that meter. You like it.

Okay, this just got weird.

This works on everyone, not just nerds. Sure, us gamer types might be a little more aware as its happening, but we are no less impervious. We want to “level up” as much as anyone else. Gathering things scratches some sort of psychological itch. It gives us a sense of accomplishment. We’re working towards something. Buy ten, get a free salad, a free car wash, a free gun (offer valid only south of the Mason-Dixon line).

My American Express gets me airline miles. My Mastercard gets me Amazon gift cards. My driver’s license gets me looks because the photo is from like 15 years ago. My Chop’t card gets whoever has my wallet right now a free salad. Bastard. They’re probably not even going to get avocado.

Sometimes there’s even gamification within other games. Like when you’re at a casino, you’re gambling, but while you’re gambling, you’re also earning points on your frequent gambler’s card to earn you points to redeem for a free room at the hotel, so you can stay longer and gamble more, so you can earn more points so you can… woah. This is intense.

Gamification isn’t just for adults, either. I can trace my love of points back to childhood. As a kid, I collected Kool Aid points like a fiend. Each little packet had a point on the back of it. Bigger packets, bigger points. All redeemable for crap from the Kool Aid “Wacky Warehouse.” The crap was crap, and Kool Aid itself was krap, but it didn’t matter, I was going to redeem the crap out of those points no matter what. And redeem I did. My mom still has the “wacky” Kool Aid Man pitcher. I believe the “wacky” Purplesaurus pool raft has long since sprung a leak, however.

Point is, points. Every company worth a damn is in on this. They’ve run the numbers, they’ve consulted their consultants, they’ve prodded their penny pushers, they’ve determined that these points programs are worth the effort. Let’s game it up! Sure, they’re some extra work involved, and every once in a while someone is going to want something for free, but that’s a pittance in the grand scheme of things. And the scheme is indeed grand.

Gamification is taking over. It’s as diabolical as it is inevitable. Yesterday we were collecting Kool Aid points, today we’re accruing frequent flier miles and Starbucks bucks, tomorrow we’ll be “checking in” to become “mayor” of the men’s room at the Port Authority.

I make this gamification of everything sound like a bad thing. And, well, it mostly is. But as long as we’re aware of it, so long as we realize we’re being gamed, it’s okay. The first step is admitting you have a gaming problem. If we’re aware of that, hopefully we’ll be less apt to be manipulated. We’ll be less likely to buy or do things we don’t need to in the name of the all-mighty game.

Then again, maybe not. It all comes back to my missing Chop’t card. I lost hundreds of dollars worth of stuff when I lost my wallet, but I’m the most upset about the free salad I “worked” so hard for. It’s know it’s ridiculous, but it’s true.

Basically what I’m trying to say is we’re screwed.

Better get as many free salads as you can.